Three Stories: Jane's Story

He broke my heart when he chose Joan over me.

I thought then that it was probably for the best. It was not a situation that could have lasted. At least, I couldn't have accepted it.

Joan and I finally met after months of uncertainty. John was dating both of us. We knew of each other and we both told John he had to make a decision soon. Soon dragged on to later. Finally, Joan and I found each other and had a heart to heart.

We told John he had to choose.

A part of me was weak enough to tell John that I was pregnant. But in view of the uncertainty, I had had an abortion. Perhaps I shouldn't have told him that. Perhaps that was what made him decide against me.

He chose Joan.

I left the country after that. There was the usual reasons - getting over a heartbreak, starting anew. Hiding my growing pregnancy, and giving birth in a country with less stigma for a single mother.

Jessica was a joy. And for 2 years, she was my proud little secret. A part of John that would be with me forever.

It was not to be. She had a fever, an infection and passed away just a month before her 2nd birthday.

For a time, I could not find the energy to get out of bed. I quit my job and stayed home.
I did not know what to do. There was no purpose anymore. No more joy. No more meaning.

Then I went back. Perhaps I was weak. I just wanted to let him know that he had a daughter and what a sweet little girl she was. What a joy she had been to me, and how he would have loved her.

I could see he took the news hard. First the shock of realising that he had a daughter after all, that I had not aborted her. Then the dashed hopes from her death.

Was I cruel? To give him the news all at once. To raise his hopes, and then to kill it all within moments?

Strangely, it seemed like it had all happened in just a while. That the past was not 3 years, but just the memory of three years.

I sobbed quietly, not wishing to make a scene. I felt him sit down beside me. Felt his arms around my shoulders. And let myself bury my face into his shoulders. It seemed so natural to let him comfort me. So natural to want to hold onto his comfort and ask him to take me up to my room. Just so natural...

I left a week later. A little happier and a little ashamed. But she had him for life, and all I wanted was just a few moments. I know I had no right, but... we had shared so much, and I had sacrificed so much. I had no right, but I too deserved a little happiness, don't I?

My little "happiness" grew. This time it was a boy.

When he called about 3 months after I left I wanted to tell him. But again I did not. I did not know why. I told him I had an abortion all those years ago because a part of me did not want him to do the honourable thing and choose me over Joan. I did not want that advantage. He had to choose me because he wanted me, not because I was pregnant.

This time around, perhaps a part of me was selfish and wanted this child for myself. But I realised that again I did not want him to choose me simply because I was pregnant.

Then he told me about his wife's second miscarriage. We spoke for 3 hours that night. Or rather, he spoke and I listened. He started out tentative. Not sure if I was on his side. Not sure if I still cared.

Of course I did!

He was exhausted. His wife had taken the first miscarriage quite hard. But he was there for her. The second time hit her even harder. He found the strength to be there for her, but he needed someone to share his sorrow too.

I understood now the look on his face when I told him I had little Jessica. It was such a look of longing and of pain. How it must hurt when he learned of her short life.

I told him to call again if he needed to talk. But I did not tell him about the child growing in me. At that point, it would have been cruel.

I did not hear from him till about a year later. The son he did not know about, Josh was about 6 mths old.

Joan had had another miscarriage. He was devastated, exhausted, grieving, and yet had to be strong for his wife who was full of doubt about her self-worth. His constant reassurance was wearing his patience down. He wanted so much to breakdown but he couldn't for his wife's sake.
My heart ached for him when he said he needed to talk to me. I wanted so much to catch the first flight back to be with him, but of course I couldn't.

I said we could talk again, if he needed a listening ear. Then we hung up.
I was surprised to hear from him just a month later. Joan was better physically, but emotionally, she was shakened and uncertain. He was still assuring her of his love and support, but he didn't have to tell me how mechanical it was starting to sound.

He called again two weeks later. And then the week after. Our conversations moved from his depression, to reminiscing about old times. He sent me SMS-es almost everyday.
I was looking forward to them and beginning to feel happy. All the while though, I worried about how to tell him about Josh.

Then, last November, he said he was coming to visit.

I met him at his hotel. And I introduced him to his 12 mth old son. I could read the awe on his face. He cleared his throat but never took his eyes off Josh's face. Josh was sleeping like an angel. Unaware that his father was taking him into his arms.

Most men would ask for permission and would be hesitant about carrying an infant, but John carried Josh without hesitation. I will always remember that look of joyful wonder on his face.
We spent just 3 days together. I apologised for not telling him about Josh. He accepted my explanation that i felt it was not right for me to tell him of his child when he and his wife had lost theirs.

When he left, he took a part of my heart with him. I could see that he would rather be with me, but he was a man of his word. He would not leave his wife. Even though the love was over, there was still the empty marriage.

He had broken my heart all those years ago. I had thought I had moved on. I could accept that it was not my fate to be with him if he would be happier with another, but I could see that he was no longer happy with her.

So the choice was for 3 people to be unhappy. He with her. She with herself. And I without him.
Or maybe 2 of us could be happy?

I flew back with Josh a month later.

John was on another business trip. But that was fine. I wanted to see Joan.

My meeting with Joan was... not pleasant. I hated myself for doing what I did to her, but I had to be honest to the situation, and to John, and I'd really like to have Josh have a father. I was sorry for Joan, but not so sorry that I would let her situation drag us all down.

To her credit, Joan took it... as well as could be expected.

When John came back, Joan... spoke to him. He signed the papers. It will be a while before it is final. She left their matrimonial home that same day.